I’m still a mother….

As I sit here thinking and dreading and debating if I can sleep right through this Mother’s Day I wonder if last year was this hard. Was the one before that? This is my third year celebrating (or surviving) Mother’s Day while no longer having my child in my arms. This year is hard – feels to be the hardest one yet, though it seems unlikely. My first one had to be harder, it just had to be. 

Mother’s Day has been one of my hardest holidays since losing my daughter. I’m guessing it’s because she was my only child. I will never have anyone to call me mom. Ever. Sure, I’m a stepmom and I hope one day to be an aunt and grandma, but I will never again be mom to anyone. A heartbreaking reality for me. 

Like most women, the greatest day of my life was meeting my child for the first time….becoming a mom. She was and will always be my greatest accomplishment. And this Mother’s Day, any Mother’s Day, reminds me of exactly what I’m missing and longing for…..my child. It’s not that there’s ever day – or moment really – where she’s not on my mind, but Mother’s Day is a painful reminder that even though I’m a mother it sure as hell doesn’t always feel like it. I have to remind myself – I’m still a mother. It’s extremely difficult being a mom to a child you can no longer touch, hold, kiss, make new memories with. And I would give anything to have Parker still here. 

  

  
So tomorrow, on Mother’s Day (on each Mother’s Day and every day in between), honor every woman. Post adorable pictures. State your love for your mother and for the little ones who gave you the honored title. And please say a special prayer for us ladies with broken hearts on this day – for those who have lost their mother, have lost their child, have miscarried, or who still long to be a mother. 

  
Happy Mother’s Day to all the different kind of moms. And sending kisses to Heaven – to my daughter and every child and mother who join her. I miss you, Parker, beyond words, but love you even more. 

  

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One thought on “I’m still a mother….

  1. I feel your pain. It will be two years in June since I lost my daughter and it still feel so fresh. Some days I foolishly pat myself on the back for being so strong, only to find myself falling apart the next day and berating myself for being so foolish to think this will ever end. It’s very much a rollercoaster. My best to you ❤.

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