Day 4: DARK + LIGHT – Dark and light? Good and bad? I once thought these two couldn’t both exist in the realm of grief. I was wrong. And I’m still learning about the new ‘lights’ as they come.
Oh the dark side, I know it too well. Anyone who has lost a child can tell you of all the dark places. In the darkness where the tears cover your face. The blankets that hide your frail body from the rest of the world. The rock you wish you could actually climb under. The many masks you learn to wear daily in hopes of concealing your true pain. Darkness becomes a very present part of life after you’ve lost a child.
Finding the light can be hard and leave you feeling guilty at times. I was afraid to be happy at some points following Parker’s death. I was fearful of the judgement I thought would come with it – it turns out I was the one judging, judging myself. I hated myself for wanting to smile. I remember we had people over after Parker’s funeral – our friends and family accompanied by food and alcohol (much needed) and a picture was taken of me with 3 of my close friends. I was smiling. I can’t remember now if it was fake or not. Pretty sure it was real because even though the situation felt surreal the love and support was very much true and real. But I hated that picture for a long time, probably until recently. I was mad that I could smile and have fun while my daughter had died only one week before. I was mad that any of us could muster a smile. I mean we had just celebrated her life. But what are you suppose to do? Stand in a circle crying? Maybe singing kumbaya? Nope.
It has taken me a while to see the true light of this situation with the dark being so present and overpowering. But in the light I see the beauty Parker brought upon this world, the hearts she opened, the lives she changed. In the light I see her beautiful wings. Her dancing. Her singing – oh how she loves music. Her practicing the word ‘momma’ for when we meet again. In the light she’s free of all that ailed her here on earth. There isn’t anymore ICU visits like above, no trachs, no feeding tubes, no seizures, no more restrictions. She’s free and she’s beautiful. In the light I see her smiling and proud of all Phillip and I do in her honor. In the light she’s making us who she’s always seen us as, she’s guiding our way, and watching over us. In the light I see a pristine view that we will share together when my time here is done.
You see, it’s now that my darkness has cracked more and more over the years the light has begun shining brighter and brighter. My heart has always known about the light but didn’t always focus on it. I still have my dark days where I try to hide my frail soul, but I have noticed the more I speak about the darkness, the less hold it really has.