My untold secret 

(So late – my hardest one to write) Day 9: FAMILY- What is my family like now- after losing Parker? My family definitely consists of people with and without my same blood. Like all families our ties between us can loosen and tighten throughout time, often returning to the tight bond at some point. I’ve lost and gained more than a handful of people that I’ve considered family. Child loss changes lots of people – not just the parents and siblings.   
One of the hardest things I’ve had to accept is that my immediate family (Phillip, myself, and the boys) will never expand. That we will forever remain just the four of us. That I might always feel we’re somewhat incomplete. I’ve never openly spoke of this and try to avoid most questions regarding another child. Please know this is an extremely hard topic for me. A topic that runs through my head a lot, with my mind changing, understanding, not understanding, having baby fever, enjoying the freedom of no small children to care for, each day can bring a different emotion. After I had Parker I was certain I wanted no more children. I was afraid of ‘replacing’ her, for that couldn’t happen. I was afraid I would be unable to even handle a child, especially if the child was ‘normal’ development. I would be like Ricky Bobby not knowing what to do with my hands. (Talladega Nights reference) 

  
A little before Parker’s second angelversary something inside me became at ease and tormented at the same time – for once I was unsure about what I wanted when it came to children. Some days I would yearn so deeply and others I would thank the stars above that it wasn’t our situation. Teenagers can greatly subside lots of baby fever. Knowing that our situation is very complicated, would be costly and lengthy, help me to accept that this is what it is. That I will forever be an angel mom, stepmom, and grandmother one day but nothing more. That I fear my parenting job is over, but what if I’m meant for more. That I will never hear the words ‘I love you mom’ from a tiny person. I will never experience those young years of exploration and learning. Or see the years I’ve missed 3-13 (Parker passed at almost 2.5 years and I met the boys when they were 14 and 15). I’ll never experience lots of things that I know I once dreamed of when growing up – when you picture what your life will be like. I have to have faith that this is my path, this is where I’m meant to be, meant to do. I know there’s a reason for my situation, that my journey was carved out long ago by Him. 

I’m not putting this out here to be encouraged to have a child, it won’t happen, adopt, foster, or anything like that. Nor is it to have Phillip and I looked at any differently. Honestly, this is probably one of my deepest secrets, what’s never spoken of. I’m putting this out there in hopes it helps me to heal, to know I’m not alone, to openly share what it’s like for a mother who has lost her only child. Maybe another parent can relate, because a ‘rainbow baby’, as they’re so often called, isn’t always the way it goes for so many reasons. This picture always brings such raw emotions for me. 

  
So while my family is great, the best support system there is, I feel something is missing – my daughter, part of me, maybe something else too. Ugh. Grief is hard and these feelings are my hardest to explain. 

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